Norms are not laws

The norms

Every year in January when I meet someone, one of the common questions that is being asked is – How did I celebrate the New year ?
Thinking a bit deep on the question I asked to myself what is so special about this date and why is this question so commonly shared with everyone. Why am I expected to celebrate the new year and why does it feel like I am going opposite to the world if I don’t celebrate? (As a personal note – I never celebrate new year).

As per the standard definition – “norms” are the standard way or the framework of doing something. These are some of the things we do in our life without questioning it much, even if sometimes we feel it’s a waste of time, money, happiness. We feel an obligation to behave as per these norms because these norms are shared within the society and we are sure to be judged if we don’t behave according to this norm.

Example of some of the norms we observe in our social life –

Birthday celebration , New year celebration
Proposing a girl for wedding by sitting on knees
Wedding ceremonies optimized in terms of social media contents
Getting educated for a particular degree
Taking insurance
Marrying a partner according to your parent’s choice
Marrying a partner within the same religion / ethnicity /caste
Marrying by certain age
Rituals
Fashion and trends

It triggered some questions in my mind –

Who defines these norms ?
Why is there an urge to follow it ?
What if I don’t follow it ?
How can I get rid of these norms ?

Who defines these norms

Norms are completely defined by humans, they don’t exist naturally. Norms are part of the subjective realities created in the shared mindset of humans, they are not objective. If you don’t follow a norm they will be no harm (naturally) to your body as an individual entity.

Above picture shows the most masculine demonstration of a male figure in some time back in history. People considered this as highly masculine because it was portrayed as masculine in the subjective realities of that time. Today a male figure will be most probably laughed at if he is dressed like this.

For mother nature there are very limited natural laws and there can not be a norm, because for nature there is nothing good or bad, everything is just an event for nature.

why is there an urge to follow it

Social proof

People, people, people and people behind them.

Humans love doing things that keep them aligned with the social culture. We are mostly descendants of people who are naturally followers. Those who were part of a social group and complied with the theme of the group easily survived because the group supported it, and those who went against the group were mostly left alone and were on themselves, and they were most likely to get predated by any predator or disaster.

Hence we are naturally aligned and attracted to follow the norm and feel a bit of discomfort if we tend to go against it. Deep down it seems that the pleasure derived from the feeling of not being left out is more valuable than the actual experience.

Inability to investigate thoughts deeply

Firstly humans are terribly bad at questioning things – the perspective of “why”. It is comfortable to accept things the way they are and move ahead.

Apart from that we seem to have tons of biases and these biases contribute a lot to our such behavior. Example – authority bias – we tend to accept statements coming from a superior authority and there is possibility that the same statement might get rejected from a lower authority.

what if I don’t follow it

There is a high chance you will feel left out and the dark emotions of FOMO will trigger. There is also a high chance you will be judged and questioned by the family and society.

However, if not following a norm makes you happier then go for it. There are chances that you might save time, effort and money. A lot of these norms have originated decades back and have varying historical reasons but people still follow them religiously.

How to avoid falling in the norm trap

Not all norms would be bad for you, following some of the norms could be a great idea for career, life or for happiness. The idea I want to convey is to just not follow them blindly just because someone else is giving us advice or it or someone else has done it. Chasing someone else’s idea or thought process might end you with terrible consequences.

Suppose if you wish to travel in December because everyone else travels that time of the year, then you should question it as an example – What if I don’t travel in December ? What are the downsides to it ? Is there a certain place which I want to go to which is in its most beautiful form during December ? Do I want to travel in December because I will get the company ? Do I want to travel in December because it’s a time for my personal celebration after a year of hard work ? What If I just relax and enjoy this period at home ? Are there any downsides to just relaxing at home ?

So while it is good to enjoy a lot of social and cultural norms, we should keep questioning them. Maybe it’s good, maybe it’s not, maybe it can be better. You could be the change, the outlier.

P.S – It’s always good to question things, and not follow it because someone else is doing it. Natural laws are the only absolute thing, whatever is defined by humans are not laws. Do what matters to you and make you truly happy.

The Mortal Mamba